Wednesday 30 January 2013

the bullets


A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother.
“I was taking pee and this bullet came out.” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out.”
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

naughty Vaseline Petroleum Jelly jokes


A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
 
He breaks into a house and Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.  Look at his clothes!  He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain.  Do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  This guy is obviously very dangerous.  If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey.  I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my ear.  He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey.  I love you, too.”

fool me twice


let's play a game of "fuck-off"


this is me today


"all guys are the same"


why we have middle fingers


ladies motto


choose wisely


"made in china"


i'll rise


roses are red, violets are blue


you haven't paid attention


will resume later